Try as I might, I still cannot reconcile my mental image of you and what has been broached in conversation. These people, judgmental as they are at times, do not have any real cause for lying. But you are my friend – no matter how erstwhile it feels at the moment – and I will give you the benefit of the doubt. We’re not as close as I have hoped, so I will, therefore, withhold judgment. And observe.
I don’t deny that my emotional investment in you is a great factor in why I am affected this way. There was, after all, a spark there, once upon a time; I was only fool enough, and scared enough, not to have fanned it.
___
You’ve set your priorities and I agree with them. I do have my own priorities as well. But it caught me unawares that you would have to think that solution as the best course for the both of us. Even then, I could have taken it in stride, but why the sudden silence? We don’t see each other as much as we would like, but being incommunicado on top of that stings, and it’s an almost physical hurt.
I know I share part of the blame, with my inconsistencies, but your decision to cut ties have left a bad taste in my mouth. And a thorn upon my chest.
___
You are the ideal: wit that surpasses my own; physique that elicits envy; sex drive that is the stuff of fantasy; all wrapped up in a pretty package that exudes confidence. And with my emotions shot as it is, you are the unwitting vessel for my unfocused affections. Intelligent as you are, it’s impossible that this have gone past your notice.
To understate the matter, I find you interesting. But my fatal flaw is pride and it would be long before I admit my feelings. Long enough to miss my chance, if there ever was one.
___
You are my closest friend and the baby brother I never had. We’ve had our history and I’m happy that we’ve resolved it, and strengthened our friendship in the process.
You know my dark thoughts and secrets yet still chose to be friends. You don’t know how grateful I am for that.
You have bloomed beautifully from the first time I saw you, and I am happy for you. I can only envy you and live vicariously through your life – on certain aspects of it, at least.
“I’m doing this wrong, aren’t I?”
You should have said that and tried to salvage what was left of the night. You should have never let go of that hand. You should have slowed your pace and tried to elongate the time spent walking sidewalk after empty sidewalk.
Damn it, you should have run after, and kissed right then and there, instead of walking head down the other way. You missed your chance and you’ll regret it forever. Why did you have to over-think everything?
“I like you the first time I met you, and I’d like to give us a try.”
There. How hard was that to say? You’ve uttered more complicated phrases under your breath, and without even batting an eyelid; what’s stopped you from saying those little words?
You are a chicken, a damned fool, and a coward. And you wasted far too many moments – far too many chances – trying to be “just friends” when in fact you wanted something more.
Now it’s gone. Now it’s over.
Now you have to move on and not wallow like the last time.
Now you have to think forward, instead of thinking “what if.”
Once again, I saw something that constricted my heart and hollowed out my insides.
I’ve seen it before, long before it was posted, but seeing it there caused another twitch inside of me. I thought I was ready for it, I thought I would no longer be affected.
I really should learn not to care, but how do you do that when the object of caring has lodged deep inside your core?
How do you stop an addiction, an obsession, when it has been fully assimilated in your system; when it seems that removing it would spell your demise?
How do you even try to forget?
published in friendster blog June 3rd, 2008
Have you ever experienced waking up to an unspeakable feeling of yearning; a longing so complete and palpable, it’s almost physical? When you cannot do anything without thinking of that one person… when in every conversation you hear that person’s name… when everything you read contains the name.
And you cannot do anything about it, because try as you might, it is ingrained in your head, and the more you try to forget it, the more you remember.
It just wells up inside you and you cannot, however you try, contain it. It just shows in your actions, in your mood, in your face… in your work. All you see is visions of you two together, of you talking and dining together, of sharing your life together.
And it just tears you apart, because no matter how much you want it; no matter how much you wish for it; no matter how much you strive to make it work; it is nothing more than the stuff of dreams. It cannot be realized.
You like pain? Try falling in love.
published in friendster blog October 3rd, 2007
