Saturday, September 20, 2014

Green. Timeline.

In a rare burst of motivation, I decided to wrap my books. While taking inventory of the many tomes I've accumulated over the years, I happened upon those two.

Wrapped tight in the plastic bag it came with upon purchase; hidden at the bottom of the pile; memories were unlocked, much like the knots that held the pair fast.

I knew you as the roommate from Las Dias del EspaƱa. You were welcoming and always jolly, and partnered. There were quite a few happy and drunken nights then, your graduating year.

Las Dias ended and we lost contact, until you messaged and asked how I was. You said you wanted to drink, and I was willing to endulge. And there, where we decided to meet, I bought those two books while I was waiting.

We shared a bottle of cheap liquor that night, talking about your new job and few other sundries. And when the bottle was emptied, laid for a couple of hours to tide away the dizziness, and then you went home.

Nothing was ever planned. You would call out of the blue and we will drink. We don't talk about it after, and the next we hear from each other would be the next drinking session. And we will share a bottle, a glass, a room; and be done by midnight.

I never found out the reason why you blocked me from social networks.

A couple years passed and the memories laid forgotten. Until now, when I uncovered the books and wiped out the dust that burried it.

Now, it's time to wrap them up.

posted from Bloggeroid

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Running Away from Death

I was anxious and nearing panic so I decided to run. Lack of physical activity does that to me, so does looming deadlines. But this was a first time in a long time that I felt I needed to go away from myself for a little bit, and exhaust those little pockets of volatility in my system.

The mental and physical stresses, I can usually manage; I've done quite well with it for a spell. But that early morning news, and further updates during the day, tipped my anxiety against my favor.

A former officemate died, rather abruptly. He was hospitalized for pneumonia, and after a week, he was gone. I was not close to him, but five years within the same walls, braving endless overtime hours and difficult bosses is no simple matter that is easily overlooked. Sure, it was five years ago, but memory is a complex matter.

His wake is being held somewhere near; just one ride away from home. Former officemates are going; those who are still with the company and those who, like me, have already left. I do want to pay my respects, but the thought of seeing old faces hinders me. It's difficult for me to meet people who once were family but now are strangers. I cannot just summon emotional attachments I have long divested from.

Besides, a wake makes for a very awkard reunion.

And so, I ran. To peel away my anxiety. To de-stress. To have a reason not to go to the wake. It's refreshing, that focus you get when you tire your body but reboot your mind. The deadlines, I can deal with tomorrow. The dead, I will deal with in my own manner.

I read in my timeline about two other deaths today. One was also from pneumonia, the other, from 'alam mo na'. I can't help but imagine if these three disconnected deaths happen to be one and the same. I don't think I can handle a further shrinking of my world and the merging of my personal and online planes of existence.

And that's another reason to run away and not attend the wake.

posted from Bloggeroid

Monday, August 25, 2014

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Emergency. In the case of one at least

I was channel surfing when I happen to come across a show about human accidents with wildlife. A man was pierced by a needlefish in his sternum and was bleeding profusely. He lost a third of his blood but remained conscious up until the doctors drugged him for surgery.

Before we lost consciousness, a nurse asked him if he had anyone he wishes the hospital would call to inform them of his whereabouts. He asked for his mom, then the drugs took effect.

It seemed so easy for him to have decided on whom to call in case of emergency. I tried to ask myself the same question and it took me too long to answer. 

In various "in case of emergency" cards from before, my usual answer was of course my brother. He would have a better capacity to decide, and between him and my sister, I am closer to him... in a matter of speaking. Or at least we have grown past our mutual annoyance of each other.

But now that he's based in another country, I have to rethink my emergency options. And I have come up blank. The obvious answer is there, but an indecisiveness lingers. And I can't fathom where the apprehensiveness stems from. It bothers me.


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