Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Running Away from Death

I was anxious and nearing panic so I decided to run. Lack of physical activity does that to me, so does looming deadlines. But this was a first time in a long time that I felt I needed to go away from myself for a little bit, and exhaust those little pockets of volatility in my system.

The mental and physical stresses, I can usually manage; I've done quite well with it for a spell. But that early morning news, and further updates during the day, tipped my anxiety against my favor.

A former officemate died, rather abruptly. He was hospitalized for pneumonia, and after a week, he was gone. I was not close to him, but five years within the same walls, braving endless overtime hours and difficult bosses is no simple matter that is easily overlooked. Sure, it was five years ago, but memory is a complex matter.

His wake is being held somewhere near; just one ride away from home. Former officemates are going; those who are still with the company and those who, like me, have already left. I do want to pay my respects, but the thought of seeing old faces hinders me. It's difficult for me to meet people who once were family but now are strangers. I cannot just summon emotional attachments I have long divested from.

Besides, a wake makes for a very awkard reunion.

And so, I ran. To peel away my anxiety. To de-stress. To have a reason not to go to the wake. It's refreshing, that focus you get when you tire your body but reboot your mind. The deadlines, I can deal with tomorrow. The dead, I will deal with in my own manner.

I read in my timeline about two other deaths today. One was also from pneumonia, the other, from 'alam mo na'. I can't help but imagine if these three disconnected deaths happen to be one and the same. I don't think I can handle a further shrinking of my world and the merging of my personal and online planes of existence.

And that's another reason to run away and not attend the wake.

posted from Bloggeroid

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