I finished another torturous session of kicks and flips and was about to go down when one co-trainee addressed me and said "I take it back." Just those four words, and no explanation at all. Piqued by his cryptic talk, I braced myself for intellectual discourse, as is my nature.
"Whuut?!" I asked, and promptly gave myself a mental facepalm.
"No, it's nothing," he replied while stepping back to give me access to the stairs leading out of the dojo. I've been dismissed. End of conversation.
Given that this was the first time I saw this person in the few sessions that I've attended, I really shouldn't be affected with what he said -- or didn't say. I mean, come on, by now, I should be confident enough in what I do and who I am, and what other people think of me shouldn't really affect me.
But I'm also paranoid enough and psychotic enough to hark on this endlessly. Like what I am doing right now.
It could be a positive. He might have seen me at the start of the session, made some quick judgement, and was proven wrong. Then for decency's sake, and because he has already talked about me with his peers, he confronts me to tell me that he's taking back his initial negative appraisal, as I have proven him wrong, no matter how unwittingly.
It could also be easily a negative, where his initial positive appraisal had been marred by what he observed during the almost two-hour session.
Either way, whatever he thinks shouldn't really affect me, as his brain isn't my jurisdiction, and attempting to pick on it isn't really helping my cause. Still, whatever it was that happened there brought home the fact that my three weeks of training notwithstanding, I still am the outsider, and no matter how out-of-the-blue their appearance in the dojo would be, three weeks' attendance can never trump years of camaraderie. Especially if the new guy cannot even perform a basic cartwheel perfectly.